Guest of The Lair: My brother schools you on blogging

In the spirit of collaborating with content creators, I’d like to introduce you to my brother, Nick Capistrano. This guy is one of the most intelligent and hilarious people I know. Nick’s snarky but eerily deep insights on Internet culture inspire me to think about how people actually interact with and personalize content on all screens. Most important, he reminds me of the #1 reason why people go online in the first place: for the LULZ.

Enjoy his brain leak below.

5 Blogging Tips From Someone Who Knows Jack Shit About Blogging

By Nick Capistrano

I used to wipe his tushy

In case you have some sort of strain of eye-gonorrhea and your slimy tear duct discharge prevents you from reading the first 11 words of anything that isn’t written in spider monkey, I don’t know shit about blogging. However, if there is one brand of shit-related topic that I am most educated in, it’s making said shit up. Why, just the other day I ate a ninja and found a leprechaun inside a unicorn’s vagina. Except, I didn’t; I just made that up like two seconds ago. Hah hah! Take that, your mind. Therefore, in the spirit of using my award-winning imagination to make things more awesome than they actually are, here is a list of things I think of when I think of the word “blog.” Also, the word “blog” sounds like what Klingons might roar at their partner during sex. I win again, your mind!

5. Always include links to people more interesting than you.
We live in a world where all content is inexplicably shared in an incestuous relationship so convoluted and gross that even the Hapsburgs (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hapsburgs) would describe it as “florb, glibbloop.” After their governess lovingly wiped the drool off their baffling non-chins and sent them away to identify simple shapes in silence, she would translate that jabbering as “fucked up” then shriek in awe of your magnificent time machine and happily flee the castle screaming something about witches.

The point I’m trying to make here is that all sites are ranked by traffic through some set of eldritch laws that you could only understand if you were at least half-cyborg. Therefore, the sure-fire way to let the traffic (and advertizing revenue by proxy) flow for your extremely compelling blog about your twelve cats is to ejaculate as many links to other totally not as fascinating online publications as fast as your sausage-like fingers can flail.

4. #don’t #forget #to #use #hashtags #in #every #fucking #sentence (#).
If the lawless, sexless wasteland known as Twitter is any indication, hash tags are more valuable than your genitals. In fact, if you cut them off and branded a pound sign over the now smooth and flawless pubic mound, every hipster within fifty yards will start humping wildly in your direction. And then claim to have loved you even before you replaced your babymaking parts with a symbol, of course. Even typing something with a #tic-tac-toe-mark in it will do the tri—-oh God…crotches! Everywhere, #crotches!

No…I…

#NO! Why can’t #I stop!? SOMEBODY #HEEEEELP #MEEEEEEEEE!

3. You will NOT be silenced!
The Man is everywhere, and just like Rapin’ Joe from your completely-not-indecent-exposure-related stint in county, he’s always trying to keep you down. Every other news organization (that, if you remember from tip number five, you have to link to fifteen times per post) is part of the same Cyborg Illuminati, which is why you will always word everything as if you are a Messiah sent to free us unwashed, slavering masses from the chains of our corporate imposed mind chattel. Make sure to add a sneering hash tag at the end of your post, like #genius or #spreadtheword, thereby stroking the long cock of your ego with the no-doubt tens of views this extremely insightful metadata will garner you.

2. If you are a photoblog, Sepia-toned photographs will cure cancer, and you will win a free set of anal beads for every ten of them you post.
A photoblog is an image-dump website that someone decided to sometimes add descriptions to. Now I’m no psychic, but my psychic powers have informed me that such a historic event went down like this:

“Glorioussssss victory!” the webmaster hissed with glee as he slowly, sensuously shed the mansuit off of his chitinous frame. “The images of my cat shall infect the In-Ter-Net with feline happinessssssss! My broodmates will rejoicccccccccce!” Suddenly, sexily, before he could even start cleaning his chelicerae, an idea formed in the twin brains located in his antennae!

“But wwwwait!” he gurgled, a quart of human blood dripping from his fangs. “If I add wordsssssss to this cornucopiaaaaa of kittens, then my race shall emerrrrrrge from The Underneath and rightfully claim thisssss planet for our own! Glory to the T’thnerk! Glorrrry to The Hive!”

1. The T’thnerk have taken over but you will still not be silenced (#freeeeeedom)!
I don’t know if you were paying attention, but the world has actually been taken over by a race of insectoid superbeings. They could be anyone: your boss, your co-worker, that homeless guy down the street, or even more terrifyingly, your cat(s).

Obsessive attention to detail is crucial when rooting out these soulless invaders. For example, when your boss gives you something to fax, just how loudly did he hiss it? When he looks at you, does it seem like he can hear your blood through your skin? How big was that steaming clutch of eggs he left in the office toilet? When you peeled his mask off, did it reveal a nightmare of mouths and venom, or was it just a hilarious and screaming misunderstanding? Do not leave out a single detail! KILL YOUR BOSS. #resist #unite #cats